Post 24 - What's Next?

POST 24

What Next?

I had an inkling that I was paddling in circles over the last few years while not attending church regularly. The book pointed out this concept well: that we who are not attending church are in a proverbial canoe and on a spiritual journey of a new kind. 

We know what bugs us about church, we know why we don't want to go. For me it began with my fatigue and having to do mornings because in my city, churches apart from two only have services Sunday mornings. That being said, my list of what bugs me about church is much longer than that now.  

We know things have changed, but we don't know what we want to do about it going forward. And, when you are a married couple, there are each person's thoughts and wishes to consider. 

Like all believers that God has pursued, I want to stay faithful. I want to keep hearing from him. I don't want him to think me not going to church or my 'deconstructing' is sinful. 

I still want community of some sort. I want an answer for the annoying bible verse echoing in my head--the one about not forsaking the assembling of yourselves together.

There is resistance. We don't want to go backward, back into legalism, back into being expected to be at certain events, back into explaining ourselves and our absences, or explaining why we no longer want to take on certain jobs. 

If you're like my husband and me, you may have visited many churches seeking a new fit. Or, you may have watched a number of churches on Youtube, perhaps scrolling through them to get through it faster. Some worship music does sound better with the Youtube speed setting increased.  

Because my husband and I are in the high-risk category for Covid-19, we stayed home right up until the Spring of 2023. But by April of 2023, I craved community. With enough Internet research, I discovered a church with an afternoon service. I played their service on Youtube and was not greatly impressed. I noticed they seemed to be of a Spanish background--vastly different from myself. Many chairs were empty. Eventually, I got dressed and made the drive on my own to attend their 3 pm service. 

My husband eventually wanted to join me and did the next week. We even stayed to mingle after and try the desserts offered. 

But we quickly felt disjoined as newcomers often do. We didn't know these people. We detected accents and couldn't understand what some were saying. My husband and I didn't know if we wanted to get to know these new people better. We weren't ready to commit to anything. But they were friendly and quick to offer hugs. 

We went approximately every second Sunday for a few more weeks, later skipping the worship music time. Twenty or thirty minutes of worship time is unappealing to us. Especially with my chronic fatigue, I often sat and meditated instead.  And the singers weren't good at all. It became an endurance test--a distraction from our ability to worship God. 

My husband's interest was waning quickly. But I was exchanging emails with the pastors privately. I appreciated them asking how we were doing and them offering to pray for us. I still felt it was important to have a church connection of some type. We gave them offerings electronically though we knew little about the finances or governance of this church startup.  

Through the emails, I saw a need for setting up a food pantry for international students who often attended. After not being in church for such a long time, I had already decided to look for ways to BE the church. I was already giving to other charities in the name of Jesus. 

With this impression that I could or should help out with the food pantry project, I ordered a shelving unit, bought food to put in it, and went to the rented space early to voluntarily set up the supplies. As I did, I felt a wave of excitement. I suppose, once you participate, you get a feeling of ownership and commitment. But at the same time, my husband pulled out completely. He told me he no longer wanted to attend.

Did he see me getting involved and try to stop it? Were his concerns valid? He had said the same types of things about a previous church we had tried. While I thought we were onto something new--reconstructing our faith practice--my husband didn't have the same feeling. He had made it clear it was not the church for us. He suggested his job is so stressful that he would rather have the full weekend to himself to unwind, not take time to go to a subpar church service where we would hear things we already knew from our over 30 years of being in church together over our marriage. 

I understood, but was left confused wondering what God wanted. I still had a need and longing for connection. 

I had to wonder if we were overthinking it all. I wondered if I should go alone. 

But then I began sleeping later on Sundays or needing a Sunday afternoon nap. It's as though the river water is repelling us away from docking at any shore.

I wanted to know why God gave me an excited feeling but my husband the opposite? Why did I feel the need for church connection and my husband not have the same need?

I have worked from home for several years. For me, community has been lacking far too repeatedly. Fortunately, in 2024 I found exercise groups for people my age. I enjoy them immensely. It's a good workout, and I'm making new friends. When I recently told my husband I NEEDED to get out to church for social reasons, he replied, "That's what your exercise group is for!"

Wow, I didn't expect that kind of reply. 

On another note, I do our banking and had been giving an offering to this small church plant for over a year. Now, we are helping our daughter buy her first home requiring we give her and her spouse a significant amount of money for their downpayment. Since it's been a full year since we've been at that church and my husband is sure we won't be going back, I asked him if I should withhold the offering to put it aside for my daughter's downpayment instead. 

His reply shocked me,  "No," he said, "We can't cheat God!" 

Perhaps we're burned out of church. There are many things that have a "been there, done that" ring to them now that we are seniors. 

I have committed our journey to God. The issues are too complicated to figure out right now. So I will seek to stay at peace about it. We will continue to encourage each other's faith and to look for ways outside the church building to BE the church in our community for the time being. 

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